Hello, I am Amelia Rostene, the Assistant Suspender. Here with me, I have Carson Jamesron D'vayne, Chief of the Suspension Office. We are going to give you a guide on how to suspend your child. If you are not aware, suspension is when a child is hung from a metal chain from a tree as punishment, if they choose not to apologize. (This does not actually happen to people, because it is a game and we are all Barbies). So, these children could apologize but choose not to. That is when the Chief of Suspension and the Assistant Suspender have to come and help suspend. There is also an option to be a Junior Suspender (the least experienced) but we do not have one at this time.) 

First we need to get our suspension supplies. Only authorized individuals can have these products. 

The suspension equipment is pretty straightforward. A small chain to wrap around the child, a lock to put around the chain, and a key to hide. 

Because no one is being bad (thank goodness!) we are going to use Maria Becket to demonstrate the suspension. Thanks, Maria!

First, you have got to wrap the chain around the child. You can't just wrap it around their waist- you have to wrap it around both of their arms in complicated twists and turns that they would not be abode to untangle. You have to wrap it relatively tightly, but leave a bit of the chain loose (the bit that Carson is holding) to attach the lock to. 

Now, you have got to get the lock, and unlock it. Then put the key in your pocket and hide it before they go up into the suspension tree. We have made this mistake before, and a kid (Chelsea) broke out of the tree. 

Put the lock around the chain, but do not close it... yet. 


The next bit is kinda tricky. You have to find a suspension tree (the kid may request one if they want) and attatch a chain to it. You also have to make sure the chain is strongly attached to the tree so a) the kid won't fall down and b) the kid will not call her dad that was not in her life for eight years but so desperate to make it up to her that he will use his HULK STRENGTH and pull the chain off of the tree. 

It is only the Chief Suspender's job to put the child up in the tree. No one else is authorized. The Assistant Suspender can assist by holding the child, however. 



Congratulations! You finally got that annoying brat in the tree. S/he will have to stay up there from anywhere between 3-24 hours. When s/he gets down, make sure to fill out a suspension sheet and fill out a questionnaire to see if you are eligible to get your suspension sheet on the record. 

Thank you for reading this blog post. Now you are (mostly) certified to become an Assistant Suspender. Just click here and take a quiz about this. We will notify you about your score as soon as possible. 
Thank you!